Bonus Episode – Mentoring with Questions

Welcome to season eight of Presently Engaged with Mandy Pallock. Here you’ll find short, friendly, Jesus-focused encouragement to live intentionally right where you are. And now for your host, Mandy Pallock. This podcast, Presently Engaged with Mandy Pallock, is an outreach of Pallock Productions.

We provide tools and encouragement to foster conversation and connection. And one of my favorite things is providing photography and production services for nonprofits and ministries and churches as they document and tell the story of what God is doing in and through them. So I’m actually doing that this week. I’m on the road and supporting a women’s conference.

I’m ecstatic to be there and we’ll be back again next week to continue our season. But in the interim, I thought it would be beneficial to share a chapter from my book, The Question Habit, with you. As we are diving deep into questions in the Bible this season, we start asking ourselves, well, what difference does it make? How does it apply to my own life?

And maybe even how can it make my relationships deeper and more resilient? And so we dive into that in detail in my book, The Question Habit, but toward that end, enjoy this chapter mentoring with questions. And then you can get the full audiobook ebook or print book wherever you buy books yourself. Thank you so much.

We’ll see you again next week. Chapter four, step one, invest, mentoring with questions. Every disciple needs three types of relationships in his life. He needs a Paul who can mentor him and challenge him.

He needs a Barnabas who can come alongside and encourage him. He needs a Timothy, someone that he can pour his life into. Howard G. Hendricks.

My copy of Dr. Hendricks’ book, Teaching to Change Lives, is dog-eared, highlighted, and notated. In the forward, Bruce Wilkinson, one of his former students, recounts how he majored in Professor Hendricks at Dallas Theological Seminary. In his last year, as a bit of an experiment, Wilkinson slouched into the classroom, sat in the back row, and gazed out the window into the parking lot, determined not to pay attention.

Based on Wilkinson’s previous observations, about three minutes before every class, Dr. Hendricks’ leg would bounce up and down, winding up, and getting ready for class time. At the top of the hour, he would begin speaking from his chair. About eight minutes into his talk, he would draw an intriguing chart on the board.

Then he’d tell an appropriate joke and continue his teaching. Hendricks followed his routine for the almost four years Wilkinson studied at Dallas Theological Seminary. But this day, Hendricks noticed he had a student in the back row gazing out the window, disengaged. As Hendricks drew terrific charts, Wilkinson did his best not to look, much less copy them.

The professor delivered joke after joke, while Wilkinson tried to keep a straight face. Finally, three minutes and 37 seconds into his talk, Dr. Hendricks ran down the aisle, toward the young man slouched in the back row, proclaiming Wilkinson, what on earth are you looking at? Hendricks’ passion for teaching and mentoring drove him to do whatever it took to get his students back to engaged.

The question snapped Wilkinson out of his experiment. A test Wilkinson didn’t share with Hendricks until years later. Teaching and mentorship defined Dr. Hendricks’ ministry, and questions were his greatest tool.

Skimming the tributes posted after Prof. Hendricks’ death, you see his engaging lectures and fabulous teaching changed lives, and so did the times he invited a student to join a group getting ice cream, and then paid for them all while they discussed entering ministry life. Lives changed over meals and diet coke and meeting parents, through questions and heartfelt listening. In his own words, you can impress people at a distance, but you can impact them only up close, and the closer you are to them, the greater and more permanent the impact.

He invited people to live life with and alongside him. All because of an invitation. The life of Dr. Hendricks was changed by an invitation to Sunday school from a man named Walt.

When the young Howard declined anything with the word school in it, Walt invited him to play marbles instead. And that relationship ushered the would-be truth teller into salvation. About Walt, Hendricks reminisced, actually I can’t tell you much of what Walt said to us, but I can tell you everything about him, because he loved me for Christ’s sake. I want to mentor like that when I grow up.

Once you discover the uniqueness and perspective of another person, you will see opportunities to mentor and disciple specific individuals. You’re already doing it. Be confident that God will direct your steps as you honor your relationships. Invest and mentor with questions, focusing on the why and how behind the what.

Like Hendricks discovered with Walt, love, personal interest, and investment make all the difference. God has perfectly prepared you and placed you to be included in his work in the world, both to those image-bearers who know him already and those who do not. Mentorship is a lifelong process of excitement, adventure, and discovery. A fellow believer is not only made in the image of God, but is filled with the Holy Spirit and growing in how to reflect the image of Christ.

They need and may crave discipleship from fellow believers further along in their faith journey. God designed us to live in a community with others. This is where you come in. Go with what you know.

Think back to an especially influential person in your life, perhaps a teacher, coach, family member, or co-worker. How did they positively influence you? What character traits did they live out? What strengths did they show?

How did they demonstrate love? Did they use questions in their conversations with you or not? If you did not grow up with strong mentor influences, what do you wish they had said or done? By the way, did you notice how questions helped bring awareness to an area of God’s involvement in your life?

Questions have power. We are the culmination of our life experiences, combined with the full and dwelling of God himself. As you continue down the question funnel with someone, God will challenge you, call you to more, and invite you to discipleship. Under the mentoring pattern, Paul explained to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1, 13-14.

Follow the pattern of sound words that you have heard from me in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you. In mentoring, look to take questions deeper. Do it with the confidence that the Holy Spirit is with you always, guarding the good deposit he entrusted to you.

He will not ask you to violate the personality he designed. The person on your heart right now, God loves them so much more than you do. He sees his image clearly even if it is marred from your perspective, and he lovingly invites you to join the work he is already doing. All the tools you discovered here and on other sources will support you as you take questions further.

Rather than thinking, whom can I mentor, consider pondering, who is God calling me to go deeper with? Whom might I invite to a series of deeper questions? You’re not looking for activity to activity or program to program, but heart to heart. In his book on everyday disciple making, Malphurs warns against prioritizing what people do over who they are.

When we relate this way, we’re saying something about the value of people. What they do and participate in becomes more important than who they are and what God is doing in their lives. It’s easy to invite people to attend a meeting. It’s harder to ask them to walk with me as I walk with Jesus.

Mentoring and discipleship are not scary words. They are simply the best English words we have to describe life to life ministry and the mission impact God calls believers to. Discipleship is Christian mentoring, building a relationship in which someone can take a step closer to Jesus. And it’s something you can do.

The Apostle Paul spoke this blessing to the Church of Thessalonica and we can claim it as our own. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. First Thessalonians 5, 24, B. Be willing to redefine mentorship or change what it looks like throughout different life seasons.

An urgent call to care. Darren Whitehead from Church of the City estimates that 64 to 70% of students leave their faith after high school. Barna predicts 42 million young people could leave the church by 2050. 42 million. If the current decade is any indication, they probably won’t make a big announcement.

Rather, they will quietly leave out the back door. They will go to college or transition to a first job in a new city and never get around to visiting much less finding a church home. And without a relationship with a caring mentor, who will notice? The Exodus from the Church is made up of church kids and it’s overseen by could be and would be mentors who are too busy to lean into a relationship.

Don’t let this bracing fact snuff out your desire and motivation to influence, friend. The prediction of 42 million souls leaving the church by 2050 is just that. A prediction. It’s not a foregone conclusion.

Let this forecast fan into flame your ardent love and desire to serve this next precious generation. Those kids you pass in the hallway, those high schoolers congregating on the side, those babies waiting to be rocked, they are not only the future leaders of the church, they make up the church now. God redeems and God restores. How might God be inviting you to prioritize mentoring and discipleship in your church?

Go with God’s word. Looking for the difference between someone whose faith sticks and someone whose faith does not? Research from the Center for Bible Engagement uncovered that the life of someone who reads or listens to the Bible four or more times a week looks radically different from the life of someone who does not. According to their research, the lives of Christians who do not engage the Bible most days of the week are statistically the same as the lives of non-believers.

Here’s a takeaway. Living with God’s word four or more times a week dramatically impacts the lifestyles of Christians. What would it look like for you to invite someone to engage in God’s word with you? It doesn’t need to be scary, overwhelming, or ridiculously time consuming.

However, it does take time, heart, and dedication. A simple way to get started is to host a Discovery Bible Study. Read a passage together. If you go to the same church, you could use the passage the pastor discussed that week, or you could choose from something you are reading.

Other options include the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman in John 4, 1-26, 39-42. Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4, 35-41, or Paul’s words to believers in Ephesians 3, 14-21. The entire word of God is ready for you. Even by asking one person to read the Bible passage out loud while you and anyone else follow along.

Invite someone to retell the story and others to fill in the missing main narration. Ask what does the passage say about God, Jesus, or His plan? Read the passage aloud again. Discuss what the passage says about the character of the Lord and His will.

What does the passage tell you about God and what is important to Him? Ask what does the passage say about people? Read the passage aloud again. Look at the people represented in the passage and ponder how they relate to God, each other, and themselves, and what that teaches you about humanity.

What does the passage tell you about people and what’s important to them? Ask what does the passage say about me? Based on the truth you are reading together, what does the passage say about you? How does it speak to your identity or position?

What are you doing well? What do you need to change through God’s grace and strength? These three simple question prompts may be all you need to facilitate a vibrant and vulnerable conversation rooted in God’s Word. If the person you are meeting with asks you a question, you can model rightly handling the Word of Truth by responding with, What in the passage helps us answer your question?

If distracting comments arise, asking, Where is that found in this passage may help you get back on track? And if you’re not quite sure what they are trying to say, you can gently inquire, Will you help me understand what you are thinking? In this type of Bible study, the other person will likely mirror the transparency they see you model. Prayerfully share what you see in God’s Word and hear from Him.

Vulnerability creates transparency, drafting a safe space for the other person to share their personal interest as well. Bible stories by themselves do not build resilient disciples. Knowing what difference those stories make does. Those you are living life with need to see how you are impacted by the Bible and what difference God makes in your life.

Those you mentor will subconsciously ask themselves these questions. What does your life say about God? What does your life say about people? I follow this basic outline when gathering with a discipleship group weekly.

My children and I also do a variation of the Discovery Bible study almost every morning on our way to school. We listen to a chapter in the Bible, and then I ask those three main questions. Often we re-listen to the chapter as time allows. Each of our three children gets the opportunity to share in an age-appropriate way, and then they head off to school, backpacks, and lunch bags in tow.

When you try it, you may find that these discussions tune you into a specific topic throughout the day. You can then consider circling back to the conversation as appropriate at the next time on your Deuteronomy 6. Tread softly. It is a holy thing indeed to be invited into a conversation with another human being.

Seek not to ask questions antagonistically across or opposed from the other person, but side by side, looking for the answers in God’s word together. Your transparency and sincerity will communicate safety. Set aside any real or perceived position and authority for these conversations, and pray to see the person’s humanity and heart. Put on the authority you have in Christ to speak and invest instead.

Go with open hands. Imagine a loving father showing his daughter a rose. Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? As she leans forward to take in the glorious scent, she grasps the stem.

The thorns press into her soft palm and she begins to cry. In care, the father asks for the bloom so he can place it in a vase where the thorns won’t cut and scratch. But the girl’s stubborn fingers wrap around it and she is reluctant to release such a sweet-smelling flower. The father puts out his hand, asking for her to entrust the most beautiful thing she has ever seen to him.

She is hesitant but eventually holds the flower out to him, looking away in disappointment. But though her hand is outstretched, proffering the rose as requested, her fingers still grasp tightly around the stem. The father knows that relinquishing the rose is best for his love daughter and that she will need to let go whether she unclasps her hand or not. She also knows that in a clenched fist, a rose’s stem will mar and scratch.

In an open hand, the rose can be removed, replaced, and relished as it was meant to be. I’m often this girl in my relationship with God, grasping the idea of the thing I most want while holding it out to God and declaring it’s all yours. A clenched fist creates far more scratches and tears than an open hand. But with an open hand, God can give and God can take away and I can say blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 121. I may wish for a deep heart to heart conversation with the middle schoolers in my church, but may only hear mono syllables while we shoot some hoops. When my hands are open, God can replace my expectation and wish with his reality and include me in his even greater work on his timeline. In your mentoring, resist the urge to immediately edit someone’s answers.

Instead, ask follow-up questions that give clarity and go deeper. Will you tell me more about that? That’s interesting. Can you help me understand what you mean by that statement?

What is another example of the same idea? Asking follow-up questions gives the other person the space and safety to share how they came to a particular conclusion. Additional information will help you as you shepherd in truth. When you hear more of the person’s heart you are mentoring, perhaps you all have a prompting to prayerfully lead him or her through a Discovery Bible study on an applicable passage outlined earlier in this chapter.

A wise and Jesus-loving friend of mine meets weekly to mentor a group of high school-aged girls. She hears these words, I’m not worth anything. No one cares. I’m just not as smart as she is.

She’s so pretty and I just don’t compare. She hears I think if we’re good people then we get to go to heaven. And I’m transgender. These are real words and feelings that represent our reality.

The enemy is attacking the worth and identity of the next generation. It’s vitally important that these precious teens are supported by wise mentors who can lovingly direct to scripture’s truth. God has not given you a spirit of fear. Second Timothy 1-7.

Don’t continue letting someone believe and live out a lie because you are fearful of correcting their answer. Equally important however is the spirit-filled direction and timing for sharing that truth. Instead of a one-way diatribe that communicates your perspective and shuts down the conversation, consider using follow-up questions and the prayer-filled unpacking of God’s word to lead others to personal ownership of the truth. If you get the question, what do you think about that?

You can either prayerfully answer or prayerfully reply that you would love to chat about it another time. Be confident that God will direct your steps as you have a heart to honor your relationships. If a person feels confident that he is in a safe space, he will share his heart. If indeed she feels like she’s entered a debate, the conversation becomes antagonistic, all about being right or fixing the wrong.

Resist the compulsion to offer advice for something you are not being asked to fix. Instead, be a safe place for truth. Your relationships will blossom as they grow in safety. Trust Jesus’ words for you in John 13, 34-35.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this, all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. You’re not editing. You’re not creating.

The Holy Spirit does that work. Instead, you’re getting to know someone at a deep heart level. With the information you gather, begin praying for another opportunity to mentor and disciple based on the answers you get. Words matter.

Jesus used firm words to explain that we will give account for every careless word we speak. Don’t add needless words to the discomfort of silence. Instead, use those moments of waiting to pray for the person you are in conversation with. Asking questions opens you up to surprises, delight, and even hurt.

Questions are dangerous. Listening is more dangerous still. Once a question is asked, once it is answered, it cannot be unsaid. Novelist Javier Marias put it this way.

Listening is the most dangerous thing of all. Listening means knowing, finding out about something, and knowing what’s going on. Our ears don’t have lids that can instinctively close against the words uttered. They can’t hide from what they sense they’re about to hear.

It’s always too late. Hold your questions and another’s answers with open hands, inviting the Holy Spirit to sanctify your conversations and your lives. Listening is a partnership with you and God where you become more and more like Jesus. As a believer, it is your progressive growth in holiness.

We began this book with a section on prayer. Pray before the conversation. Pray during the conversation. And if no wind during a chat something is said or heard that changes everything, pray then too.

The person you’re speaking to, the relationship you’re building, the image of God inherent in his or her gaze, those are worth prayerfully listening to. Trust that the mentoring conversations you have are but one moment on God’s divine timeline as he includes you in the work he is doing in someone’s life. Your willingness to enter into mundane and hard and risky conversations with someone you love makes you a hero. Proverbs 1.5 tells us the wise will hear and increase in learning and those with understanding acquire counsel.

Listening makes both you and your mentee wiser. Hold but hold loosely. Ask yourself. Think back to a meaningful mentor who made a difference for you.

What are three words you would use to describe him or her? Did he or she use questions or not? Who are three people you might ask to mentor you? Try and ask God to include you in someone else’s mentorship story.

Who is God placing on your heart?